Self-criticism can creep in so easily, especially when we’re experiencing anxiety, depression, or conflict with the people we love. Many of us learned this strategy early in life from our parents, teachers, or other adults. Often times, this harsh inner voice hinders us from moving on, resolving conflict, overcoming difficulties, and living fully. I’ve provided a few questions below to help you explorer your own inner dialogue and decide if it’s working for you or if you’d like to make a change.
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When you’re going through something difficult, what do you typically say to yourself? What about when you make a mistake? Think of a recent situation and right down some of your inner dialogue.
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Look at the statements you wrote. Are they compassionate, harsh, or maybe matter-of-fact? How do they affect you?
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Are these statements helping you get to a better place or are they hurting you? Basically, is this way of talking to yourself serving you? Is it serving anyone?
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Do you remember when you first started talking to yourself this way? Try to recall where these messages came from.
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Now that you’ve answered these questions, what would you like to do with the information? Maybe there are things you’d like to let go of, add, keep, or change.
Your inner dialogue might be serving you. It might be motivational, understanding, and caring. That’s awesome! If it’s not though, if it’s critical and harsh, it may be time to let go of some of those old messages and adopt new ones. Feeling bad about ourselves, especially feeling shame, robs us of our courage and confidence to be the way we’d like to be. One thing that helps me when I’m feeling critical of myself, or of someone else, is remembering that everything makes sense in context. If it’s not making sense, if we can’t understand why we did that, we need more context and to give ourselves the kindness we afford to most other people.
Treat yourself well. You are worthy.
Allison O'Brien, LMFT