Many couples experience challenges that they call “communication problems.” What I have found is that every couple describes the essence of their communication problems differently. When a new client states that her and her partner are having problems with communication, I still have no clue what the couple will bring to my therapy room. Sometimes, it’s because one partner is silent or closed. Other times, it’s because he says what he thinks she wants to hear. And at even other times, the problems results from a prior hurt experienced by her that doesn’t allow for the openness necessary to have true intimacy. Even still, the challenges with communication can be something that not even the couple can explain. It is always interesting to me when the couple describes their “communication issue.”
It is my belief that each person enters the relationship with a learned mode of attachment to others. Attachment is the vehicle used to communicate physical, spiritual and emotional needs. Each person learns how to attach to others from early caregivers like parents, extended family, teachers, neighbors, etc. A mother teaches a child that his needs are important when she tends to them or conversely that they are not, when she doesn’t. Many have the memory of the 3rd grade teacher who sat next to him/her while he/she cried over “the playground incident.” And others remember the praise offered when he/she stood before the class to read his/her poem. And, sadly, some recall the teacher who said that he/she is never going amount to anything because he/she lives in a less than desirable neighborhood or wears the “dime store” shoes. Each of these experiences teach a person about self worth which can lead us to believe that we worthy of a certain type of attachment. Positive interactions can boost feelings of worthiness while negative experiences can chip away at a person’s sense of self-value.
Certainly early interactions with parents, teachers, clergy, neighbors and/or friends play an important role in teaching a young person that he/she is worthy of love, attachment and security, but how does this play out when he/she engages in a romantic relationship? I believe each partner relates to the other based on how he/she has been taught. If a person was loved, encouraged, valued and supported during his/her formative years, then it seams reasonable that they will develop a positive sense of self, worth and value and therefore expect the love, encouragement and support from his/her partner.
When two people decide to enter a relationship, they begin the process of “unpacking” each individual’s attachment style. The likelihood of good communication is great if the styles are similar and based on the feelings of worth and security. In my view, the challenges that present in my therapy room most often occur when the partners have differing styles and needs that the communication must meet. I hope to allow people to discover their own attachment needs and then be able to communicate those needs to their partners, at first in the safety of my therapy, and later in their daily lives. It is my belief that creating a “bridge” between attachment styles can assist in effective communication.
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
