Positive Connections and Parents

We can get into negative cycles with our children that can be hard to break. It happens so easily. Busy schedules, homework, and the normal frustrations that come with growing up can weigh on parents and kids. Over time, these negative cycles can result in conflict and behavioral issues.

The quality of the relationship between parent and child is directly related to how well the child receives encouragement and discipline from the parent. Children act out when they don't feel heard, accepted, or connected to their parent(s).

Having a healthy, positive relationship with your child helps them be more receptive to you. If you find yourself trying to implement disciplinary strategies and not getting the results you were looking for, or are at a loss for how to help your child change his/her behavior, it might be time to focus on strengthening the relationship.

Here are a few ideas to help increase positivity and connectedness with children:

Special One-on-One Time: Set this up as very special, protected time with just you and your child once a week and keep it sacred. Work together to make a plan for what to do during this time, like go get ice cream and walk in the park. It doesn’t have to be long or expensive, even 30 minutes of play time will do. During this time, enjoy each other and allow space for sharing.
Let Your Child Lead: This can be combined with special one-on-one time, or in addition to it if you can. Spend time with your child where they are in charge. This can be free play time or, for older kids, a sport or activity. Follow your child’s lead and simply participate, watch, and reflect what you see.
Listen to Understand: During conversations or in situations that usually lead to an argument or need for discipline, try listening to your child with the intention to fully understand him. Here, your only goal is to understand your child as deeply as possible, not to correct or fix the problem. This is a great way to model listening and empathy. It also helps lower defenses so you can have a vulnerable, honest conversation.
Help Your Child be a Part of the Solution: Ask them what they think would help. For example, if your daughter is forgetting to do her homework often, ask her what she needs. Maybe she doesn’t feel confident about school and needs a tutor? Maybe she needs help with organization? This can help teach children to problem-solve and ask for what they need.

I get it. I already know you’re thinking about how easy this sounds when you read it, but when you stare down a preteen, all plans are out the window.

That's ok.

Just keep working at it with the understanding that your child will most likely come around eventually.

However, if these suggestions don’t seem doable or result in big fights, family therapy can help. A non-judgmental family therapist can help uncover underlying issues and help parents and kids break negative cycles and reconnect.