Turning towards your partner in times of conflict, or stress for comfort and support is a key factor in maintaining closeness and a secure bond in relationships. When things get tough in a marriage, it can feel much easier to turn to others to discuss relationship problems and feelings about how things are going. Though it’s important to have friends and family for support and connection,problems arise when we stop addressing issues directly with our partner, and even more so when we stop sharing what’s going on for us.
So what gets in the way of turning in?
If you’re struggling to turn towards your partner or you feel like your partner isn’t turning towards you, here are a couple of things that may be getting in the way and what you can do.
1. You feel like your partner is in “fix it” mode, when all you want to do is share. We love our significant others, so of course we want to fix things, but frequently offering suggestions or solutions can send the message to your partner that they aren’t capable of resolving the problem themselves. And sometimes there isn’t a clear solution. Give space for emotional expression and ask your partner for what you need. Maybe it’s as simple as asking the other person to listen and try to understand without trying to fix it, while acknowledging his/her intention to help.
2. You fear that sharing how you feel will make things worse. If you and your spouse are stuck in negative cycles and have been hurt many times, the thought of being vulnerable in front of that person can be terrifying. But vulnerability is key in breaking these cycles and lowering defenses. Speak from the heart about your own experience, what’s going on inside you, without blaming your partner. If this seems overwhelming, start with writing some things down that you want your partner to know. See what comes out on paper and consider where you might be willing to start.
Turning in is one way to honor the relationship and hold our partners in a special place, as our main source of connection. It takes courage to turn in and share openly with the person we love the most, and it’s necessary for a secure bond.
