I get deep thought inspiration from the oddest sources, I realize. Most recently, I was watching a Sex and the City movie (the 2nd not so great one) when I zoned in on one statement made by Carrie. She said “It’s difficult for someone on the outside of a relationship to understand what’s going on inside that relationship.” (well that’s what I thought she was about to say; she actually said something slightly different, so I paraphrase).
Nonetheless, the insight I gleaned as that it is indeed a true statement that understanding the inner workings of another person, or another’s relationship, is no small feat. In relationships, particularly couple relationships, there is often an unfair expectation that the other partner just knows and understand the hopes, needs, dislikes and desires WITHOUT the explicit expression of those. This lack of “knowing” or attunement between some partners may contribute to relationship distress and can lead couples to shut down, seek therapy or simply throw in the towel.
If you expect someone to understand and respond to you, you must open up to them. It is your responsibility to first share your thoughts and your feelings with them. You have to let what is inside out in order to let who you love, in.
Despite being a relationship therapist, I do not tote a magic wand, prepared to perform relationship-fixing miracles on spot. The truth of the matter is, all any therapist will ever learn about you and/or your relationship will come from you. You have known you (and your partner) far longer than your therapist ever will, but with your help your therapist will be able to see how your dynamic works or doesn’t work.
In a safe environment, your therapist will use skills and techniques to slow down your conversation about what is distressing your relationship. She will assist you in learning how to share with your partner in a way that does not accuse or point fingers. During the therapy process you, and your partner will have the opportunity to practice more open communication to create deeply intimate and connecting moments that you are then able to recreate in your daily life.
As Carrie thoughtfully concluded, her friends could never understand the decision she and her husband were making to live separately part of the week, much less cosign that decision, because her friends were on the outside of their relationship looking in. Furthermore, her friends were only getting Carrie’s perspective (not Big’s) on their couple dynamic.
Couples therapy has the best opportunity for success when both partners are not only physically present, but prepared to dig deep within and put it all out on the table. So although Carrie may be right about the likelihood of her friends really being able to understand her relationship, she and her husband may more likely find the support they need from a therapist who is trained to help couples let each other in.
-Written with CARE for you & your relationship.
Dawn
